Cold Turkey Isn't Always Healthy

M_nus the manic record purchasing I set into motion last month and am still paying for, I haven't spent any money on records this week. In other words, I haven't placed any new orders via my usual online sources: Forced Exposure, Dance Records, Juno, Warpmart or Discogs (and, as a very last resort, Ebay *gag!*) And guess what? I feel okay. I know there are incredible records passing me by... selling out... some destined to be trading for $20+ within just a few months. But this will always happen. So I can either spend all my time listening to every single new release and digging myself deeper into debt, buying the good shit, or I can spend my time doing other things like eating, showering, washing dishes, and perhaps even earning an income. And oh yeah... if I don't spend all my time buying records it gives me time to WORK ON MY OWN MUSIC. (Very important. Thus: bold, capitalized, and italicized.)

But I make it seem like an all-or-nothing route. The truth is that there's a middle ground. I can continue to buy records, and make time for my own projects. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to be so balanced. Just writing "balanced" is like writing a dirty word. It's harder for me to write (and comprehend) than "fuck" or "cunt" or "cocksmack." Really. Ask anyone who knows me and, for sure, they will not describe me as "balanced." When I do something that I love, I put everything into it to the exclusion of other things. Even important other things. And I'm scared that I lack the self-discipline necessary to buy just a few records every month. What does a "few" mean for me? 30 records would be a few. If I cut my record purchases to even 50 per month, that would be a drastic reduction from my current habit. That's how bad I need my fix. I've been buying hundreds of records every month for years now. And it has to stop. It has to. I cannot afford this addiction any longer. It has become a financial, emotional, spiritual, and physical burden. (Last time I moved into a new apartment I had very little help, and I completely fucked up my knee, hauling crate after box after crate of records up the stairs to my second-floor studio.)

So yeah. When I do something I love, I focus on it. And I love to buy records. So I'll sit in front of my computer for an entire day--sometimes more than 12 hours--playing "world's greatest detective" to find the records I want. Finding records I didn't know I wanted until I downloaded the mpfrees from SoulSeek and realized that I absolutely had to own the record because oh my fucking god it's just sick. Sick! SICK!!!

But you know what else I love to do? I love to sit in my living room (the only available space I still have) and make beats on my Korg Electribes. And I can do this for hours. But not 12 hours. There's a vast difference between creating and collecting. There's more of an emotional investment in creating. It's more exhausting. Scouring the Internet for records and writing new beats both take me to that place of non-thought. The Zen place. But making beats, working on my own music, that's so much more satisfying.

And buying other people's music is so much easier.